


Just Desserts

by KuriQuinn



Series: Poor Judgement & Associated Adventures [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Babysitting, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 12:26:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11402379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuriQuinn/pseuds/KuriQuinn
Summary: They were the three most feared humans alive...and then they met their match.





	Just Desserts

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:**  This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
> 
> **All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )**
> 
> **Rating:** **T**
> 
> **Warning:** **Mild OOC? They’re characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality.** **There is are OCs in this fic (Manako Inuzuka and Kakashi’s children).** **Don’t like it, don’t read (but I’ve had pretty positive feedback about them, so your loss).**
> 
> **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** **AU ‘verse.** **Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU**

Having been placed on indefinite leave three weeks ago, Team 7 has been desperate to return to active ANBU duty. Matters have progressed enough that inevitably all three of them find themselves back in the Hokage's office trying to persuade their former teacher to put them back on the ANBU roster.

Kakashi, however, has a caveat—a mission with no room for failure to ensure they were worthy of their positions. Sasuke thinks it's going to be an assassination or protection detail, but when Kakashi's— _mistress? Lover? Partner?—_ shows up with two toddlers and an infant, a worse possibility emerges.

"Have you told them yet?" Manako asks, not bothering with a greeting. The grey-haired twins take off, vaulting towards the Hokage's desk, scattering papers everywhere in their haste to clamber over their father's knees.

"I was getting there," Kakashi says impatiently, maneuvering the twins into his lap with practices ease, and turning back to his former students. "There's a Kage summit in Suna in two weeks."

"And Tanzaku Town is on the way," Manako interrupts. "We haven't had any alone time since Peach Fuzz here was born." She hefts the infant Obito in her arms. "We're due a getaway."

"You mean a sex weekend," Naruto points out.

"Yeah, that."

Kakashi stares heavenward. "Whatever happened to subtext in polite company?"

"You read porn in polite company," Manako reminds him.

The Sixth Hokage sighs and turns his attention to his students.

"If you three want back on active duty, you first have to prove to me you can be responsible adults," Kakashi lectures, patiently removing one twin's grasping hands from a paperweight and the other's foot from his laptop keyboard. "You've forgotten the importance of following mission directive and completing your tasks as required, without deviation. You need practice."

"So, you're placing the health and safety of your  _children_  in our hands?" Sakura questions, uncertain.

"If I had to bet on three people to come out of this alive, I'd bet on my boys," Manako informs her soberly. "We'll be back in two days, and if you three elite shinobi can't handle it, you can always drop them off with Kiba."

Naruto's eyes bug out.

The last time Kiba babysat, he took them to Ichiraku and they almost destroyed it!

"No way, we can do this!" Naruto declares, as usual, game for anything. "I mean, how hard can it be?"

Two days later, Sasuke wonders if it's possible to go back in time and kill Naruto before he utters that statement.

"This…is not…a child," he bites out from beneath clenched teeth, trying to prise his hair out of Obito's chubby fists. The baby has the long strands clutched in a death grip and is wailing as if someone is torturing him with a hot poker.

Beside him, Sakura makes a choking noise in response to Shinzō—or possibly Kuboshi—who has clambered up her back and clutched her from behind. She thinks it might have been meant for a hug, but from the way he clutches her throat and hangs on for dear life she wonders if he isn't practicing assassination techniques.

Meanwhile, Naruto chases intently after Kuboshi—though it could be Shinzō—who has somehow managed to divest himself of all of his clothing and his diaper, and is cackling in high pitched, demonic whoops of joy. When the tot continues to evade him, the jinchūriki calls up a shadow clone to head him off—only for the toddler to skid beneath his double's legs, shrieking in delight.

Eyes still tearing from the death grip Obito has on his scalp, Sasuke darts forward and grabs the little nudist around the middle, depositing him unceremoniously in Naruto's hands.

"Don't. Let go. Again," he growls, his eyes flickering between black and red as returns to the task of separating Obito from his hair. The child is momentarily distracted by the swirling  _tomoe_ , and Sasuke ponders the merits of using genjutsu on a baby.

That would probably make him a horrible human being, right?

Behind them, Sakura has gotten a hold of her charge, and grips the little white-haired boy out at arms length, shaking her head in horrified awe.

"We are never reproducing," she croaks with absolute certainty.

Sasuke blinks and glances up from the infant in his arms. "Wait—what?"

"It's like having three Narutos!" she continues, not hearing him. "Which is horrifying—and possibly illegal. Why were the two most irresponsible and lazy people we know allowed to breed?"

"Forget that—why were they allowed to have twins?" Naruto complains as he tries to maneuver Shinzō— _Pretty sure it's Shinzō this time, he's the one with the birth mark above his eyebrow, right?_ —back into a blanket until he can find the little jerk's clothing.

"It's like the gods decided to develop a sense of humour or something."

"I'd just like to know how I ended up with the baby," Sasuke interjects reasonably.

"Sakura and I took a vote and decided you were the most responsible."

Sasuke's eye twitches. "But she's the one who saves people's lives for a living."

"Okay, we figured the baby was the one you were the least likely to set on fire."

"This is ridiculous," Sakura sighs. "This is no different from the D-rank missions we got when we were kids. It should  _not_  be this hard!"

"We could always bring them to Kiba," Sasuke reminds them all.

There is a long beat of silence, where the members of Team 7 exchange mildly disturbed looks with the Sixth Hokage's spawn.

"I have a better idea!" Naruto declares.

"The five most terrifying words ever spoken," Sasuke deadpans.

"Battle royale!"

There's another beat of silence.

"I would punch you, but I'm holding a child," Sakura informs him with cold politeness.

"That is the most idiotic thing you have ever come up with. And you thought it was a good idea to use your stupid harem jutsu on an ancient goddess."

"No, seriously, guys, it's genius!" Naruto protests. "We can set them against each other and they'll distract each other and pass out, and then we'll only have to take care of the baby, who will go to sleep once he gets tired of yanking out all of Sasuke's hair. That's a sacrifice I'm totally willing to make."

"You are even less responsible than I thought you were," Sakura grumbles.

"Oi!"

"And Sasuke, you're being too quiet."

The last of the Uchiha has an expression of calculation on his face that his teammates have learned either precedes a genius plan of attack or a mad declaration about attempted world domination. Neither one is a good omen.

"The idea does have merit," he says after a beat, wincing at another sharp tug from Kakashi's youngest child.

"Sasuke!"

"No, not what the idiot is suggesting," he dismisses, impatient. "But we could, in theory, try to teach them some basic techniques. I learned  _Kakuremino_ when I was about their age. They can practice until they exhaust their chakra and knock themselves out."

"See? Even Sasuke thinks it's a good idea!"

"I never said that."

"You so did!"

"You two agreeing is not the confidence inspiring event you seem to think it is," Sakura deadpans. "And teaching them to disappear in plain view? That's not going to make Manako very happy. She's going to blame us for corrupting her kids."

"They're already corrupt. They're half Inuzuka. Besides, it's Kakashi's fault for assigning us this," Sasuke points out.

"Yeah! He knows better than to leave us unsupervised!"

"Speak for yourself…"

"Besides, if worse comes to worse, we lose one of them, there are still two left, right? They'll never notice!"

Sakura shoots Naruto a disgusted look. "You're a horrible person."

"Tch. Better tell Hyūga to keep her legs shut around him."

Naruto splutters. "What the hell is  _that_  supposed to mean?"

"Never mind," Sakura interrupts, knowing if she doesn't that a mountain somewhere will suddenly be reduced to ash—babies in hand or not. "Let's just…see if they have the attention span to learn this stuff, okay? Preferably before Obito makes Sasuke bald."

Of course she would love him even if he  _was_  bald, but she does prefer him with hair. It's always nice to have something to hold on to.

Naruto sniggers.

As they head toward their customary training ground, Sasuke clears his throat. "Sakura…"

"Yes?"

"What you said before…you didn't mean it, did you?"

"Mean what?"

"Because you did make me a promise," he goes on, raising an eyebrow at her meaningfully.

She stares at him uncomprehending for a moment, and then turns red, recalling her comment on the possibility of future children.

"Oh, for goodness sake!"

"Heh-heh," Naruto turns to confide in Kuboshi— _probably got it wrong before, Shinzō is the one_ without _the birthmark_ —in a conspiratorial voice. "Sounds like someone  _else_  is going to be keeping their legs closed—"

_WHUMP!_

"Ow!"

終わり

**Author's Note:**

> _Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps!  
> _
> 
> 栗


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